My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
