Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
