Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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