Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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