we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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