i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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