whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
