Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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