Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
