Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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