Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
