I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
