I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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