Nicole vs. Life
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
