I could make wine with my vomit
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
