New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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