BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
