speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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