My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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