just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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