I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
