Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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