you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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