Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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