I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
