just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
