In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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