i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
