he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
organizing the empties. That sober.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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