My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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