i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
