I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
