Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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