I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
