well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
