I want to walk on stilts...naked
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
