Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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