I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
