So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
