I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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