That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
