my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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