The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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