if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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