Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
