If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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