If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
