so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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