she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
