I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
