OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
