Where is the hickey?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
